girl jock (metanaive) wrote in bdsmqueer12step,
girl jock
metanaive
bdsmqueer12step

90 days

We have a great queer SMAA meeting here on Friday nights, there is typically a lot of recovery in the room as well as newcomers. We always open with the *warning* there might be "frank discussion of leather sexuality". Ok, that part cracks me up because I want to know who *frank* is...

Anyway, tonight was an amazing meeting. There were at least 50 people there and just as the meeting got started a van full of women from a local recovery home pulled up.

The guy leading the meeting picked up his 90 day chip tonight and shared about having 90 days. The rest of the meeting was about early recovery.

How amazing to think about those first 90 days and what that was like. I was not yet 21. I itched all over (they told us there was no physical addiction to cocaine back then..HA! f**ckin' liars!). I didn't sleep, could hardly wake up, almost lost my job because I couldn't figure out how to function clean and sober. I stole my first big book (figured out that wasn't ok as I got to the rest of the steps and eventually made amends!). I lied at meeting level because I wanted to fit it. Was exposed to open queers outside of bars and it kind of freaked me out. Went to my first SF Pride and walked with Living Sober.

Went to lots of meetings mostly because there were really cute women and some wore leather and few kept telling me what to do.

I had no idea what I was, who I was or what I wanted to become but I knew I didn't want to live the way I was living any more and did not want to die the way I was destined to die.

I didn't know how to stay sober, I had no idea what emotions were and did not trust anyone other than the pretty woman who kept telling me what to do and that if I did what she told me what to do I would not use.

I share all of this here because it was amazing to look back at being 90 days in recovery. I am SO grateful I went to that meeting tonight. I am SO grateful that there were people there new in recovery who invited us all to think about it.

Honestly, tonight, knowing it is only a day at a time...I am so grateful that I do not have to ever re-do that first 90 days again. I am grateful I have 7419 days clean today...

Here's to another 24
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